No question David Letterman’s first attempt at apologizing over the Sarah Palin jokes failed - a few nights ago, he was clearly not feeling true remorse, and obviously defensive when he said he was sorry.

But, what about last night?  On his show. Did he get it right the second time?

And, more importantly, should you care?  

Let me take the second question first.  We should care because -AS WE ALL KNOW -apologies are all too rare.  We’ve all been on the receiving end of a half-hearted or insincere apology.  It’s almost worse than no apology at all.

It requires a balance of confidence and humility to really apologize. 

More importantly, it matters because a GOOD apology (when appropriate) enables you to build strong, deep, authentic relationships.  It helps you in marriage, with your kids and family, and your friends.  An apology is a gateway to improving the human condition.  And yes, it is a great asset in business.  It builds bridges to the future and that’s important because none of us are perfect.  We have, and will continue to make mistakes.

Now to the first question, did he get it right.

This is not a yes or no.  It is a matter of degree.  The words were right.  The tone still felt … well … like he did it because he had to.   I would give it a 6.5 on a scale of 10.  I have no idea what Letterman was actually thinking and feeling last night.  He appeared to be in some pain.  But whether that was because he felt the sting of remorse, or just shock over being chastised, only he knows for sure.  

By reiterating it was a ”coarse joke” and saying that it was “beyond flawed,” he scored some points with me.  ” He went on apologize not only to Palin but the the two daughters involved, Bristol and Willow, the Palin family (good so far)  and “everyone else who was outraged by the joke.”  

This is where I have trouble. 

It reminds me of people who say, “I’m sorry if you were offended,” instead of “I’m sorry, what I said was offensive.”  There should be no qualifier regarding who was offended.  We should ALL be offended.  When you add that part, you’re not owning it.  You’re putting the emotional onus on others.

He finished by saying, ”I’m sorry about it and I’ll try to do better in the future.  Thank you very much.”  Again, maybe its semantics, but I would have left out the world “try.”  This reminds me of people who appear to commit to you when they say, “Let’s try to have dinner this summer,” or “I’ll try to get back to you next week.”  My opinion - the word “try” is a cop out.  Commit.  I WILL do better in the future.”

It also reminds me a little of the time when years ago, of Arnold Schwarzenegger apologized for mistreating women just days before the California recall election in which he was elected governor.  Now I’m a huge fan of the governor’s, but when you read some of the things he supposedly did, which I will not to desribe in this column, he said “A lot of what you see in the stories is not true, but at the same time, I have behaved badly sometimes, I have done things which were not right which I thought was playful, and now I recognize that I have offended people.”  Again, there’s that –sorry if YOU were offended thing.

If you want to read a phenomenal book about this topic of apology, I highly recommend “On Apology,” by Aaron Lazare, M.D. Chancellor, Dean and Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Massachusetts Medical School.  He is a leading authority on the psychology of shame and humiliation and wrote a highly regarded article on the topic that led to appearances on Oprah and Talk of the Nation.  But don’t let his academic cred put you off.  It’s a beautifully written and well documented look at topics such as the growing importance of apologies in today’s society; the meaning of apology; and the paradox of apology.   It helped me understand more clearly how to acknowledge and offense, what it means to feel remorse, the concepts of explanation and reparation, and the overall healing power of a genuine apology.

I hope that Letterman meant it.  I really do.  Sarah Palin has accepted the apology, so I guess we should too.  It’s just that I would rather be writing about a GREAT apology.  Too bad they are so rare. 

Here’s a clip of his apology if you want to listen.  Let me know what YOU think.

Oh, and if I owe you an apology, will you let me know?

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