A few weeks ago I was speaking at the Society for Human Resources Management (www.shrm.org) where the topic was how to Speak Like a CEO.  In their television studio after the session, the interviewer asked me how HR leaders can coach their managers on delivering bad news.   

The biggest mistake that managers make is not being direct and clear.  The person getting feedback either doesn’t “get it” or doesn’t take it seriously.  The second biggest mistake managers make is just the opposite: they are too direct and their style overwhelms the person.

What’s the solution?  I’ll pass along the advice I once received from a wise friend and counselor.  “Be gentle but firm,” she said.  What does it mean?  Your tone should be kind, caring and concerned but your message must be unequivocal.  Focus on the behavior, not the person, but make sure you don’t mince words.

This is part art, part science.  I recommend writing down what you want to say and practicing out loud.  Write down the behavior that is unacceptable and be specific.  Explain the impact it had.  Ask the person to respond.  Listen to make sure they have heard you.  If they distort the message, they didn’t hear it, or didn’t believe it, so repeat it and give an example, and again, state the impact along with the desired behavior.  Stop, ask a question, and listen to see if they’ve heard it.

Your words should be crystal clear while your tone can be kind.  You can maintain eye contact, and a businesslike but concerned expression while you deliver an unequivocal message.  It requires practice but once you get the hang of it, you’ll realize how much people appreciate it.  They want to know how they’re doing, they don’t even mind bad news, as long as they know what is expected, that you’re going to give them a chance to get it right and that you appreciate them as people.

If you have a repeat offender, you may need to get more direct in your tone, but try this first: gentle but firm.  It works.

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